I was asked to provide a guide to managing Christmas for families who find themselves in separated circumstances and I couldn’t.
It is difficult to think about providing handy tips or sage advice where what people are feeling at the root of all other expressions which they might be demonstrating, from my experience as a Family Law Solicitor is pain.
If a family is not in a situation where there can be agreement to be together for opening presents on Christmas morning and if you are the parent who is not going to experience that joy because of the breakdown of the adult relationship, then it is possible to form a narrative that you are losing the magic of the experience that is Christmas
It doesn’t matter that you may have heard that your child can enjoy two Christmases but in that overnight period from bedtime on Christmas Eve until the time to collect wrapping paper from the floor on Christmas Day, that observation may not be how you see your reality, regardless of the assurances of your friends and family.
Comparing the adult’s experience of the magical overnight period might lead to building resentment and so erode any joy which other events of the festive period can bring, including the anticipation of your own time to come with your child.
For a child caught up in separation however in my experience, their hearts and their love for the non-resident parent is unlikely to change and I am reminded of one client’s experience when he was not going to be spending time with his children in the magical period.
His pain was evident but as we talked through his disappointment, it struck me that what I felt children experience around the Christmas period as being important for their lifetime memories, once the wrapping paper has been thrown away and perhaps the gifts have lost their magic as thoughts turn to next Christmas, is connection.
It was one of those years where a white Christmas was not predicted. In trying to lift his spirits and discuss the other experiences children can have to make memories, I was talking about simple activities which would engage his child and without much thought said, “And if that predicted snow comes early in the New Year, there is nothing wrong with getting the trays out and sledging down the hill for fun”.
As we were preparing to return to business after greeting the New Year, Glasgow woke up to a blanket of snow of a weekend. Seizing the moment based on the Glasgow expectation that it might have turned to slush by Monday, the parks were full of snowmen and sledging.
On Monday morning a phone call came for me and when I answered I was greeted by “Mrs Kelly, you were right. The snow came and it was magic” and so this client went on to explain how much happiness had filled his Saturday contact in the days before cameras on mobile phones.
As solicitors, we can give advice, we can give guidance and we can suggest. We cannot experience our client’s hurt and pain. That is unique to them but what we maybe can do is help them to see beyond the designated magical period of Christmas and in doing that, to value all the other experiences and memories which they can bring to their children’s lives quite often through simple connection, engagement and activities but not through hearing resentment about the other parent.
