The holiday season is often a time of joy, laughter, and warm family gatherings. However, for those going through separation or divorce, the festive period can feel quite different. It's a time that can bring up a whirlwind of emotions, from nostalgia to heartache. Having spent more than 20 years working in the field of family law, I've seen how profoundly these experiences affect individuals and families.
As I collaborate with an incredible team of lawyers who genuinely care about their clients, I am reminded of how many people face the dual challenge of wanting to create holiday memories while grappling with the changes in their lives. Particularly during Christmas, the contrast can be stark and painful for those who may be living 'separated together'.
This article is for you — a reflection of the struggles and the hope that can coexist during this time. I offer insights and practical guidance to help you navigate this tricky season with empathy and understanding, so you can find a way to cope while still cherishing moments that bring you comfort.
The Reality of 'Separated Together'
As a lawyer dealing with divorce and separation, I often find myself reflecting on the challenges that Christmas brings for many of my clients. I truly understand how tough this time of year can be, especially for those navigating the emotional landscape of being in a separated couple while still sharing the family home. It's a situation that can feel incredibly heavy, especially when financial constraints or a lack of suitable alternative accommodation for any children of the relationship keep people tethered to a house full of memories.
It is a familiar scenario, the tension that arises when there's a dispute over who 'deserves' to stay in the family home and who 'deserves' to go. Sometimes, there simply isn't any other place to go, or the thought of selling the house feels like an insurmountable task. Many times, the property title is in joint names, and both partners depend on each other's income to manage the mortgage. This can create a painful stalemate, making the living situation feel unbearable.
During the holiday season, when joy and celebration are expected, this emotional strain can reach new heights, leaving you feeling hopeless. What can develop is a 'standoff' with the living situation becoming often unbearable. It's heart-wrenching to think about the changes that moving out would mean, especially for the children.
Of course, there are couples who manage to navigate their separation with grace, communicating openly about what's best for one another and for their children. These couples follow a path filled with holistic and respectful interaction, perhaps participating in mediation. However, I don't often meet one-half of such a union, and I know many of you are stuck in that tricky "separated together" situation.
I want you to know that it's a tough place to be, but you're not alone in this journey. Together, we can find a way through.
While it's common for emotions to cloud communication, there is hope. With proper guidance and sometimes compromise, couples can navigate this challenging time more effectively. Here are some strategies to consider:
- Addressing Abuse: If you are experiencing physical or non-physical abuse, or if abusive behaviour begins after separation, there are steps you can take. In Scotland, there's a legal framework in place designed to protect victims of domestic abuse. While it may not be perfect, these protections can be used to allow you to live peacefully without your abuser under the same roof. Do not tolerate an abusive situation; seek legal advice. Remember, even if your name is not on the title to the family home or the lease, you can still rely upon the legislation. An abusive partner can be removed from the household, allowing you and any children to continue living there until a permanent situation can be agreed upon or decided.
- Assessing Relationships: Are relations civil between you and your former partner, or is life becoming intolerably strained? Even if your relationship may not be 'abusive', living in the same household with a person you cannot tolerate is draining and unhealthy. Such situations are incredibly stressful, and it might feel like you are caught in a game of 'who will blink first and leave'.It is easy for everything in your life to take on a darker shade as a result. Take a moment to think very carefully about whether living in a war of attrition is worth tolerating, even for a few more months. It may be that, if possible, moving out, albeit reluctantly, is much better overall for you and any children. Protections can be put in place to ensure that you do not lose out financially if you move out and speaking with a solicitor will focus this very quickly.
- Financial Realities: Be realistic about your finances and what you can both afford. Should the house be sold as soon as possible? If you jointly own the property and are unable to move due to financial pressure, there may be options available to negotiate with your lender. Many lenders have specialised departments designed to assist couples going through separation. You might be able to take advantage of a mortgage holiday or reduced interest-only payments. This could help one of you free up resources to move out while you come to an agreement about finances, the transfer of the property title, or putting the house on the market. If you think this option could benefit you, it's advisable to contact your lender to explore it further.
- Prioritising Children's Well-being: It is essential to recognise that if parents feel tense and unhappy at home, children will sense this discomfort and feel miserable themselves—often more so than if the parents were living apart. What does it look like to keep children settled in the home? Is this a realistic goal? Uncertainty can lead to significant worry for children. When parents make decisions together about what is best for their children and communicate these choices in a reassuring manner, it helps the child feel safe— even if it means one parent has to move out sooner than planned or even that the house needs to be sold.
- Documenting Care Arrangements: Agreeing on and documenting care arrangements for children, even when both parents live in the same household, can help minimise conflict. Establishing clear agreements regarding financial support and caregiving responsibilities will make the separation more straightforward to manage in the short term, reduce disagreements, and provide a clear picture of what will work best in the long term when living in separate households. Additionally, it is essential to consider special occasions, such as Christmas. The interests of the children should always be a priority, regardless of what has gone on before and how difficult the change in holiday arrangements feels at the time.
- The Importance of Documenting Separation: In Scots law, the date when a married or cohabiting couple separates is very important; this is known as "The Relevant Date." Living 'together whilst separated' can create ambiguity regarding the status of the relationship, potentially leading to costly conflicts down the line. These conflicts can be financially and emotionally draining. To avoid such misunderstandings and their potential costs, it is advisable to document the exact date of your separation. You can do this through emails, text messages, or correspondence from solicitors. Keeping a record provides clarity during what can be a challenging time and can be invaluable in avoiding conflict later on.
- Establishing Responsibilities and Agreements: Who will be responsible for what while you are living together but apart? Are you waiting for a tenancy to end, a transfer of title, or a house to be sold? It is essential to agree on these arrangements in writing. A written and registered separation agreement that covers all aspects of your separation, including transition plans, can be extremely beneficial in minimising conflict within the household. Discussing this with your solicitor, who can provide expert guidance and a clear understanding of what is feasible, as well as what is not possible, can help bring resolution to the situation and assist everyone involved in moving on to the next stage of their lives.
The emotional complexity of living 'separated together' can be particularly pronounced during the holidays. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. By seeking guidance, communicating openly, and making informed decisions, there is a way to create a more functional environment for yourself and your children.
At Miller Samuel Hill Brown, we are dedicated to supporting clients through these challenging times, ensuring that everyone involved can find a path forward that respects their needs and priorities. If you are facing similar challenges this Christmas, know that there is help available, and brighter days are possible. We invite you to call our experienced Family Law team on 0141 221 1919 or email us. Take the first step towards clarity and support today. Your future matters.
